going home

I love the home we've made in Green Bay. I didn't think I'd like this town. I grew up in Madison - a long way from this conservative and industrial place. But after a few years, after I figured out the area, I grew to really like this town.

When Maddy was born, I didn't have a network. I had a few friends, but I didn't have a job until after Maddy was 4 months old. I haven't stopped working since then, and I'm ok with that. We bought our first house when she was 1 1/2. I have a number of friends now. We've become members of the area's Unitarian Universalist fellowship. We have a network. And I like it!

But, there is simply nothing like going home. There are songs written about it. There are poems and movies about home. It's a powerful thing.

I grew up south of Madison and I'll always call my parent's home my home away from home, my first home, the home I'll always be able to go back to when times get tough.

Joe Maddy and I haven't been able to get down to see my parents in a long time - a few months actually. We get to go down this weekend for a number of wonderful reasons. My parents just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary by heading to California for a long weekend. Can't wait to hear about it! My mom's birthday is in a few weeks. AND we get to spend Saturday at the Memorial Union to see a fun band (Phat Phunktion!). Too much fun.

I love going home...

What now?

If you are reading this, undoubtedly you've noticed I haven't spent a lot of time blogging. Looking back this past year, it's been a vehicle to vent my frustrations and anguish about the miscarriages. So now what the heck should I use it for?

I could talk about the weather in Green Bay, Wisconsin: (it's 9°F, feels like: 5°F today).

I could talk about Madeline: (she's 5 going on 13; still loves princess; she just told me she wanted to be an astronaut; she knows the order of the planets; she is really funny).

I could whine about how much my knee is bothering me: (I blame it on my father sharing his genetic disposition for bad knees).

I could exclaim my enjoyment and delight that I still have a great job: (libraries have tough to get a job in - I'm thankful for having a job that I still like).

eh ... I'll think about it.

oh my poor womb

My poor womb. I have had 3 D&C's in the past 8 months, two in the past fortnight. I had another one on Monday to remove more tissue and look at the uterine fibroids. Bless it, this sucks. I'm feeling marginally better, but I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

When I went in on Monday complaining of not feeling good - not sleeping - hadn't stopped bleeding, my doc suggested another D&C to make sure everything was ok. It turns out, I wasn't. I was in fricken labor for the past week. I was completely dilated and my uterus was trying to expel the fibroid and the GD extra tissue.

Everything went well, but I'm definitely not feeling completely great. ***sigh*** I've not been in to work yet. I'm still not able to go more than 8 hours without pain meds and I can't drive when taking them. I hope to be able to go into work tomorrow morning for at least long enough to see if there is any mail to open, questions to answer, etc.

Wish me luck. I suspect I will have another surgery in the near future to remove the fibroids. yippee. That's another fun. But right now, I just need to feel like ME!

i'm ok

I'll be ok. Right now, I'm in a haze. I'm at work, having been off since Wednesday afternoon. My co-workers have been so supportive.

Joe's been working too much, and has been sleeping poorly. I don't know whether he's told his work. I hope so.

Maddy's been talking about Uncle Steven dying again - her way of dealing with death. This morning, as we were getting ready for our day, I said I was still pretty sad. She said she was too. I told her that it's always ok to talk about feelings. We talked a little bit about the two babies who died and I told her that we really didn't know why they died. She looked at me and smiled and said "Isn't it great that I didn't die!" .

Wow. She hit it on the head. She is such a special kid. She is definitely someone who is helping me keep it together.

me me me me me me me

It's been about 6 months since the miscarriage. In many ways, it's been the longest 6 months. I've been trying to grieve without dwelling. I've had colleagues and friends tiptoe around me as they experience their pregnancies and relatively happy births. I know it's not been easy to be around me.

My cycle had been pretty predictable and I had been able to pinpoint pretty accurately ovulation when we were trying. Not so anymore. Of course not.

I'm currently waiting impatiently to begin my cycle. For over 3 weeks now. I know I'm not pregnant. Even got a blood test to confirm. So my doc had me take progesterone to jumpstart the cycle. So far - nothing.

I think the frustrating part of all of this is now that I'm WANTING to get pregnant, it's difficult to keep it in perspective. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm battling that age-factor thing.

I know, I know - scores of women older than me have had babies. I don't care. Part of me wants to be pregnant before November 8th comes around - the previous due date. It's looming and I hate it .

I know everything will be ok. I DON'T believe everything happens for a reason, (please don't tell me that) but I know I'll be ok. Joe and I are ok. Maddy is great. I have a great job (1 year anniversary on the 1st of October!). I just don't want Maddy to be an only child.


ok... enough about me ... for now :)

New kitty...

Introducing Smokey the cat. 8 years old. 13 pounds. A sweet, even-tempered cat who loves to sleep with anyone. Adopted / saved from the Humane Society. A sweet boy.

First day of 4K!

Our little girl ain't so little anymore! Here she is, on her first day at 4K at the YWCA!

life

Frankly, I'm surprised I'm not a bit more insane. Life has been hectic. Our summer is nearly over. Maddy will be going to 4-year kindergarten starting next TUESDAY, and we're tired. However, we ARE alive and fairly sane.

sick

I'm sick. It sucks. I'm trying to get over whatever crud I've developed, but it's wearing me out! grrrr...

Mid June already?

We've been crazy busy ... looking forward to no plans ... heh...like that's ever going to happen.

But today, I'm pampering myself to a massage and treating Joe and Maddy by attending the opening night of Wall-E! We're in the middle of break right now, but there is so much to do. I'm not complaining TOO loudly .... I love my job. Just a lot to do before July 7th.

We have got the flower beds all pretty & mulched, and have to get all of the weeds out of the vegetable garden this weekend. Pictures coming soon.

Getting the house in order and doing some putzing work this weekend. We're heading to Cleveland OH to celebrate the 4th, the wedding of my cousin Rebecca, and a family reunion. I think I could use about 6 days of recuperation time after we get home on the 7th. It'll be Maddy's first time in an airplane, and boy is she excited!

nothing like a half-assed apology

It was a horrible end of a wonderful place. There were a lot of hard feelings. More than a few accusations. And still after 2 years, it hurts like hell.

And the one man who (some have argued) could have helped the Weidner Center from drowning is finally leaving town. Many are celebrating.

In Sunday's (June 8, 2008) Green Bay Press Gazette, he might have finally apologized; he may have admitted he was wrong. Can it be true?

There've been tough decisions, but I think they were absolutely necessary ones. The Weidner Center — I feel very good that it's on a financially sustainable basis now, but my biggest mistake was listening to the "experts" about the Weidner Center, instead of the very clear signals the marketplace was sending.

The model of bringing in Broadway shows to cover the overhead was no longer working — every week of Broadway we put out there, we lost a quarter of a million dollars, so as a consequence over a course of about three years, we had $5 million in red ink trying to keep that going under the old model. If I'd done a better job and had more experience, I'd have gone to the new model earlier.

I can only hope that he doesn't screw up lives at the Western Washington University where he is headed.

Good riddance.

phone log

Dad: "Hello?"
Me: "Hiya, Pop! Wanna feel older than you might already be feeling?"
Dad: "Uh oh, now what?"
Me: "I'm getting bifocals."

pause

Dad: "How old are you?"
snort

Yeah...it's like that. I'm 38 1/2, thank-you-very-much, and I'm getting bifocals. Yippeee.

Busy busy

We had a busy Memorial Day weekend.

Got the house cleaned-ish on Saturday morning. Did some laundry. Left for the cottage for one night. Maddy got to spend time with her cousins Hannah and Nate. The three of them are 6 months apart in age. Quite fun to see the three of them play so nicely together. The men-folk got the dock in and did some errands and chores around the house. I was a lazy bum and did very little other than pick rocks and watch Maddy.

We got home on Sunday night and we were all exhausted. Slept in until 9am on Monday morning. It was already 70 degrees out! We got a headstart on the day ahead: spreading 7 1/2 yards of woodchips, planting the veg. garden, and weeding. It was a GLORIOUS day.

My folks, Julie, and Haddy & William came up from Madison for the day. Mom and I went to the greenhouse to get our annuals. Dad and Joe did wood-chips. Julie was in charge of the kids and assisted with going to the park, playing at the house, and doing some crafts.

But that wasn't all. We ended up with a house-ful by the end of the day: Jodi, Jed, Stacey, Dean & baby Joey came over to plant the vegetable garden; and Caroline, Zak, Teresa, Jason and Gavin came over to eat and entertain us and be entertained.

It was a busy busy weekend. It was certainly difficult coming into work this morning. Oy...I'm a beat....

:)

We're ok

It's amazing how much one's body and mind can recover from such loss as we've experienced lately. That's not to say we're 100%, but we're ok.

Every once in a while, Maddy will look at me with such emotion and say how sad she is that the baby died. There's been a lot of hugging and a lot of downtime for the three of us as a family. Maddy's taken to sleeping on the floor and wanting us to sleep with her. We do what we can, but it's been a bit frustrating, especially if we have work to do. I've ordered some books to hopefully assist her (and us) in this phase.

We'll be honoring Steven's life this coming Saturday. It will be a small gathering in Oconto.

We're ok. Spring is here. The seeds have been started for the vegetable garden and have begun to sprout under the grow-lights in the basement. We're planning the patio. Joe's dug a trench between the house and garage.

It's all going to be ok. :)

Steven's obituary

Eckberg, Steven

Steven Eckberg, Grand View, Wis., formerly of Green Bay, died April 20, 2008, doing what he loved best on a wonderful spring day, riding his motorcycle. He was always grateful to God for "another beautiful day in paradise". Steven enjoyed living in Grand View, where he could "coon" hunt with his best bud, "Bub" and the fishing was always good there too. Lake Superior was a great place for sailing, another of his passions. Steve loved the wind in his face, or his nose in a good book from the Drummond Library.

He was born to Clarence and Elizabeth (Betty) Eckberg on Aug. 28, 1952, in Green Bay, Wis. He is survived by his mother, brothers and sisters; also nephews and cousins.

Memorial service will be May 17, at 10 a.m. at the Oconto Catholic Cemetery in Oconto. Burial in Oconto Catholic Cemetery.

In lieu of flowers, a memorial fund has been set up at PCM Credit Union - Steven Eckberg, 781 Willard, Green Bay, WI 54304. Memorial proceeds will be donated in Steven's name to the Drummond Library.

Enough already

Steven was 56. He lived off the grid and off the land up in northern Wisconsin. He was an interesting man, had an interesting life, and was a good man.

My favorite story to tell about Uncle Steven (my father-in-law's brother) was what he brought to our house right after Madeline was born: a fresh baked loaf of bread and a frozen leg of deer. The cats were quite amazed as we ended up thawing it in the bathtub because it was so big.

This makes 3 losses. Enough already.

Motorcycle vs. deer crash
Man loses life after motorcycle hits deer.

Posted: Monday, April 21, 2008 at 10:43 a.m.

IRON COUNTY, WI -- A Wisconsin man is dead after an accident in Iron County, Wisconsin.

The crash happened on Highway 77, about four miles west of Hurley, in Pence. The victim, Steven Eckberg of Grandview, Wisconsin, hit a deer while driving his motorcycle down the road.

Eckberg was taken to Grand View Hospital in Ironwood where he was pronounced dead. He was not wearing a helmet at the time of the crash.

Peace.

on loss redux

Baby D'Argo went to the farm today. Literally - not the metaphorical version parents of old told their children.

D'Argo had high creatine levels - his kidneys were that of a cat 3 times his age. He took to telling us his problems by peeing on the counters, on books, on papers, on anything that he thought would get our attention. After 7 months and over $1500 dollars later, we needed options.

Our friend Julie had an option I could deal with: there was a farm where they take care of not only calves but also the cats who live in the barn. Plenty of straw - plenty of food - plenty of cat companionship.

So D'Argo went to the farm today. He'll be ok. He's a fiesty kitty (as be-fits the namesake of a Luxan warrior).

We love you ... be well...

on loss

I had a miscarriage yesterday. During my first ob appointment and my first ultrasound, we found that there was no heartbeat. Joe was thankfully able to make this first appointment. I was so thankful that we were able to have at least a picture to take home as well. It was real, at least for a little while.

Because my body hadn't yet figured out that the fetus was viable, it hadn't yet begun to spontaneously miscarry, so I had a D&C in the afternoon and was home by 8pm.

Everyone at the hospital was fantastic and treated us and our loss with great respect. I don't hold to the thought of "everything happens for a reason." I do, however, think that "there is a reason for this to have happened."

The best thing anyone said to me was the gal who walked me down to the car. I had a few women who told us they were sorry for our loss, one who talked insistently about "God's plan" (whatever), and many who were just there to hold my hand and let me and Joe go through our emotions.

The best thing that was said though was that one gal who wished us only one thing: hope.

I know it's not uncommon.

Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.
American Pregnancy Association

As a woman of "advanced maternal age", ie, over 35, I had a 20%-35% risk.

We'll be ok. We'll be able to try again in a few months, I know. It's going to be a scary road. But we will be ok.

Thanks for listening and thinking of us.

on hormones, and other fun things

Hormones suck in general. They rule a girl's life. Seriously. Girls unite. Damn.

I'm 9 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy is similar to my first with Madeline. With Maddy, I was sick for 9 months. Threw up every 3rd day. It was not fun. I know every pregnancy is different, but oh my dear stars, PLEASE be very very different! I've not been feeling the best so far. I won't disgust you with my tales of "praying to the porcelain gods". You get the idea.

I have a stash of saltines and peppermint tea under my desk. I have been going to sleep really amazingly early, taking naps when I can. My hair is not behaving and I am finding I can't use the same products in it. My regular clothes are too tight. I'm only 9 frickin' weeks along, but I'm finding myself in a few maternity clothes already.

Ok, enough complaining. I'm ready to ENJOY being pregnant! As I tell my students: "Attitude IS everything."

I'm just not ready to give up the saltines just quite yet!

me me me

Wow ... "Better living through pharmaceuticals", as my father says, and it's true. The antibiotics are working well. Everyday my elbow gets better and better. I'm not in pain like I was only a few days ago. Still haven't a clue as to why I got the infection in the elbow like I did, but I'm glad it's settling down.

Now ... for the nausea to calm down and I'll be a happy camper!