i'm ok

I'll be ok. Right now, I'm in a haze. I'm at work, having been off since Wednesday afternoon. My co-workers have been so supportive.

Joe's been working too much, and has been sleeping poorly. I don't know whether he's told his work. I hope so.

Maddy's been talking about Uncle Steven dying again - her way of dealing with death. This morning, as we were getting ready for our day, I said I was still pretty sad. She said she was too. I told her that it's always ok to talk about feelings. We talked a little bit about the two babies who died and I told her that we really didn't know why they died. She looked at me and smiled and said "Isn't it great that I didn't die!" .

Wow. She hit it on the head. She is such a special kid. She is definitely someone who is helping me keep it together.

We're ok

It's amazing how much one's body and mind can recover from such loss as we've experienced lately. That's not to say we're 100%, but we're ok.

Every once in a while, Maddy will look at me with such emotion and say how sad she is that the baby died. There's been a lot of hugging and a lot of downtime for the three of us as a family. Maddy's taken to sleeping on the floor and wanting us to sleep with her. We do what we can, but it's been a bit frustrating, especially if we have work to do. I've ordered some books to hopefully assist her (and us) in this phase.

We'll be honoring Steven's life this coming Saturday. It will be a small gathering in Oconto.

We're ok. Spring is here. The seeds have been started for the vegetable garden and have begun to sprout under the grow-lights in the basement. We're planning the patio. Joe's dug a trench between the house and garage.

It's all going to be ok. :)

Poor Maddy...

We have this rule about Halloween that I attribute to my evil parents. My sisters and I weren't allowed anything "cutsy" for Halloween - Halloween is for SCARY things. Thusly, I made my daughter choose something scary for the holiday. She chose Darth Vader. She's adorable!



The girls were able to dress up in the costumes last night in dance class. I didn't see her, so as I tucked her in last night, I asked innocently enough about what the other girls were wearing. She named them: Princess, Barbie, Glinda the Good Witch, Evil Witch, Darth Vader...then she stopped and said, "I wanted to be as beautiful as they were!" and she started to cry. Oh.My.Stars. My daughter, not yet four, has become clued in as to the "girly girl" stuff. I knew she liked the princess dresses, and loves dancing or playing the part of yon "girly girl". She was inconsolable. Poor kid. I felt like a horrible mom, making her "different" than the other girls!



I am adamant that she doesn't follow in everyone else's footsteps. I want her to be happy in her own skin. I want her to feel beautiful even in Darth Vader's costume. The cape is wonderful!



*sigh* So, this morning came around and I cautiously asked her whether she wanted to take her costume to Nana's. "I have an idea, Mom," she says, "Why don't I wear the witch costume like I did last night?" We might have a witch again on our hands. And that's ok.

huh? how could it be?

Dear darling daughter is:

• Not afraid of heights
• Not afraid of being pulled behind a boat on the Wisconsin River with her cousins in a tube
• Not afraid of speaking her mind

And yet she was TERRIFIED of swimming in the bay today. It was hot this weekend, and all I wanted to do was float in the water. But she screamed holy terror at being in the same water as SEAWEED! I was completely surprised by this.

Joe reminded me of an event that happened this week that made me realize how smart this little girl really is. There were carp spawning earlier in the week near the shore and I guess were HUGE. She didn't see the carp today. We have always made a point to say that seaweed was good - it's what fishes eat. So she must have figured that since she didn't see the carp near the shore that they were eating the seaweed. She is a smart cookie.

Maddy musings

We're at Stacey's salon, getting Maddy's hair cut. Stacey's co-worker asks if Stacey had remembered to do something. Stacey replies, "Sorry! I forgot to do that. I'm not the sharpest girl on the block sometimes".

Madeline pipes up, "I am though!"

That's my girl!

Maddy Musings

"Mommy? I'm sad."
"Why are you sad, Madeline?"
"Because nuks hurt my teeth."

It's been a week now! WooHoo! Obviously she's a bit sad, but we are so proud of her!

"Mommy? I want to be a dancer!"

We went to the Holiday Parade on Saturday morning. There were a LOT of dance studios represented in the parade. I have visions of her marching in the parade 5 years from now. Not sure if I'm prepared to be a "dance mom".