Long time ... no see

I've been in hibernation.

I'm ready to blossom.

I'm ready for spring.

I'm ready to attempt pregnancy yet one-more-time.

More after this brief announcement...

We are pregnant!

I'm high risk due to 2 miscarriages last year and being so blessed old, so I get weekly ultrasounds for the time-being. Saw the little peanut this morning. So small yet - only 7 weeks along on Wednesday) but its heart is good and strong @ 130+ beats per minute.

I'm happy and cautiously optimistic.

:) Welcome SPRING.

What now?

If you are reading this, undoubtedly you've noticed I haven't spent a lot of time blogging. Looking back this past year, it's been a vehicle to vent my frustrations and anguish about the miscarriages. So now what the heck should I use it for?

I could talk about the weather in Green Bay, Wisconsin: (it's 9°F, feels like: 5°F today).

I could talk about Madeline: (she's 5 going on 13; still loves princess; she just told me she wanted to be an astronaut; she knows the order of the planets; she is really funny).

I could whine about how much my knee is bothering me: (I blame it on my father sharing his genetic disposition for bad knees).

I could exclaim my enjoyment and delight that I still have a great job: (libraries have tough to get a job in - I'm thankful for having a job that I still like).

eh ... I'll think about it.

oh my poor womb

My poor womb. I have had 3 D&C's in the past 8 months, two in the past fortnight. I had another one on Monday to remove more tissue and look at the uterine fibroids. Bless it, this sucks. I'm feeling marginally better, but I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

When I went in on Monday complaining of not feeling good - not sleeping - hadn't stopped bleeding, my doc suggested another D&C to make sure everything was ok. It turns out, I wasn't. I was in fricken labor for the past week. I was completely dilated and my uterus was trying to expel the fibroid and the GD extra tissue.

Everything went well, but I'm definitely not feeling completely great. ***sigh*** I've not been in to work yet. I'm still not able to go more than 8 hours without pain meds and I can't drive when taking them. I hope to be able to go into work tomorrow morning for at least long enough to see if there is any mail to open, questions to answer, etc.

Wish me luck. I suspect I will have another surgery in the near future to remove the fibroids. yippee. That's another fun. But right now, I just need to feel like ME!

i'm ok

I'll be ok. Right now, I'm in a haze. I'm at work, having been off since Wednesday afternoon. My co-workers have been so supportive.

Joe's been working too much, and has been sleeping poorly. I don't know whether he's told his work. I hope so.

Maddy's been talking about Uncle Steven dying again - her way of dealing with death. This morning, as we were getting ready for our day, I said I was still pretty sad. She said she was too. I told her that it's always ok to talk about feelings. We talked a little bit about the two babies who died and I told her that we really didn't know why they died. She looked at me and smiled and said "Isn't it great that I didn't die!" .

Wow. She hit it on the head. She is such a special kid. She is definitely someone who is helping me keep it together.

answers

The ultrasound ... same room as in April ... same result ... no heartbeat. The baby died within the last day or two. Going in tomorrow morning (7:45am) to get a test done on the baby's chromosomes (a chrorionic villus sampling or CVS) and I'm scheduled for a D&C at noon.

I totally fell apart walking into the ultrasound room initially, and again when we searched for the heartbeat. I am more calm than I could be. I've been through this before. It's not easier - it just wasn't out of the blue like last time.

It looks like I have some uterine fibroids, more than when I was pregnant with Maddy. That or something about the chromosome may be the answer as to why I miscarried twice in a year. I still don't want Maddy to be an only child. I just don't whether I can do this again, ever. The pain is just too great.

me me me me me me me

It's been about 6 months since the miscarriage. In many ways, it's been the longest 6 months. I've been trying to grieve without dwelling. I've had colleagues and friends tiptoe around me as they experience their pregnancies and relatively happy births. I know it's not been easy to be around me.

My cycle had been pretty predictable and I had been able to pinpoint pretty accurately ovulation when we were trying. Not so anymore. Of course not.

I'm currently waiting impatiently to begin my cycle. For over 3 weeks now. I know I'm not pregnant. Even got a blood test to confirm. So my doc had me take progesterone to jumpstart the cycle. So far - nothing.

I think the frustrating part of all of this is now that I'm WANTING to get pregnant, it's difficult to keep it in perspective. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm battling that age-factor thing.

I know, I know - scores of women older than me have had babies. I don't care. Part of me wants to be pregnant before November 8th comes around - the previous due date. It's looming and I hate it .

I know everything will be ok. I DON'T believe everything happens for a reason, (please don't tell me that) but I know I'll be ok. Joe and I are ok. Maddy is great. I have a great job (1 year anniversary on the 1st of October!). I just don't want Maddy to be an only child.


ok... enough about me ... for now :)

We're ok

It's amazing how much one's body and mind can recover from such loss as we've experienced lately. That's not to say we're 100%, but we're ok.

Every once in a while, Maddy will look at me with such emotion and say how sad she is that the baby died. There's been a lot of hugging and a lot of downtime for the three of us as a family. Maddy's taken to sleeping on the floor and wanting us to sleep with her. We do what we can, but it's been a bit frustrating, especially if we have work to do. I've ordered some books to hopefully assist her (and us) in this phase.

We'll be honoring Steven's life this coming Saturday. It will be a small gathering in Oconto.

We're ok. Spring is here. The seeds have been started for the vegetable garden and have begun to sprout under the grow-lights in the basement. We're planning the patio. Joe's dug a trench between the house and garage.

It's all going to be ok. :)

on loss

I had a miscarriage yesterday. During my first ob appointment and my first ultrasound, we found that there was no heartbeat. Joe was thankfully able to make this first appointment. I was so thankful that we were able to have at least a picture to take home as well. It was real, at least for a little while.

Because my body hadn't yet figured out that the fetus was viable, it hadn't yet begun to spontaneously miscarry, so I had a D&C in the afternoon and was home by 8pm.

Everyone at the hospital was fantastic and treated us and our loss with great respect. I don't hold to the thought of "everything happens for a reason." I do, however, think that "there is a reason for this to have happened."

The best thing anyone said to me was the gal who walked me down to the car. I had a few women who told us they were sorry for our loss, one who talked insistently about "God's plan" (whatever), and many who were just there to hold my hand and let me and Joe go through our emotions.

The best thing that was said though was that one gal who wished us only one thing: hope.

I know it's not uncommon.

Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.
American Pregnancy Association

As a woman of "advanced maternal age", ie, over 35, I had a 20%-35% risk.

We'll be ok. We'll be able to try again in a few months, I know. It's going to be a scary road. But we will be ok.

Thanks for listening and thinking of us.