And she's off....

...to Kindergarten, that is! Maddie's already met her teacher - Miss Melisa - and knows some of the kids in her classroom, but today was different.

It's funny how parents compare our kids to everyone else's. I know Maddie's a fantastic kid. She has a great sense of humor, a growing sense of what's right and what's wrong. She's been reading for a year, and the other day stunned me by telling me the right sum of 8 + 4. She's not ordinary fool, my kid!

I want her to be the great kid in Kindergarten - the kid who makes friends to the lonely kids, the kid that doesn't give a hoot to what others think of her or her hobbies or her friends - the kid who doesn't mind her crazy parents. Don't know whether any of that will happen, but she's off to a fantastic start.

Now, excuse me while I dry my eyes....

21 weeks

Baby is size of a CARROT, can you believe it? She's doing just fine. I'm not doing as great. Part of this is I'll be 40 in January, not a young chick. Part of it is that I have fibromyalgia and this pregnancy is kicking my behind.

Wondering it's time to look at my schedule and ask to cut down my time at work.

It's scary to think about. I don't want to be on bed-rest. I don't want to not work. But frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of throwing up, feeling unrested, being achy all over, all day, being exhausted just being at work.

Wish things were simple. Wish I could make the next 19 weeks zip by. Wish I didn't feel like I needed to take the vicodin or the Tylenol 3 daily to keep my body from screaming.

going home

I love the home we've made in Green Bay. I didn't think I'd like this town. I grew up in Madison - a long way from this conservative and industrial place. But after a few years, after I figured out the area, I grew to really like this town.

When Maddy was born, I didn't have a network. I had a few friends, but I didn't have a job until after Maddy was 4 months old. I haven't stopped working since then, and I'm ok with that. We bought our first house when she was 1 1/2. I have a number of friends now. We've become members of the area's Unitarian Universalist fellowship. We have a network. And I like it!

But, there is simply nothing like going home. There are songs written about it. There are poems and movies about home. It's a powerful thing.

I grew up south of Madison and I'll always call my parent's home my home away from home, my first home, the home I'll always be able to go back to when times get tough.

Joe Maddy and I haven't been able to get down to see my parents in a long time - a few months actually. We get to go down this weekend for a number of wonderful reasons. My parents just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary by heading to California for a long weekend. Can't wait to hear about it! My mom's birthday is in a few weeks. AND we get to spend Saturday at the Memorial Union to see a fun band (Phat Phunktion!). Too much fun.

I love going home...

16 weeks & 5 days

It's been a month since I've blogged. I'm feeling quite lazy lately. My poor vegetable garden is more weed than vegetables. Perhaps my mood is cuz we haven't had decent rain in a long while - perhaps it's cuz I'm still puking every morning. That takes a lot of out of me.

I'm doing well - 16 weeks & 5 days. My belly is rounding out. I'm looking less lumpy and more pregnant. I've been able to feel baby moving around a bit since week 14. It's been hiding in the back more when we go to listen to the heartbeat. Stinker.

I only have a few items of my non-maternity clothes I can wear lately. This pregnancy, I am able to spend money on clothes for work, which is nice. Styles have certainly changed since I was pregnant with Madeline 6 years ago!!!

We have our next ultrasound on August 4th - just 2 short weeks. It's a big one where they look at the baby's organs and heart and possibly even tell what 'flavor' it is. Yes, we are going to attempt to identify the sex of the baby. We might even tell you if you ask nicely. :) We will wait until baby is born to name it officially. Madeline is sure the names will be either Isaac or Purple Iris. I told her we'll take those names into consideration.

Squeaker #2 - week 9

non-pregnancy stuff

Well, not really. I mean, I am a huge sack of hormones, attempting to suppress the necessity to cry at the slightest provocation.

No, I won't mention that I'm now 10-weeks along and have my OB appointment tomorrow. If everything goes well, I'll be the furthest along in the last 3 pregnancies.

No, I won't mention that I'm eating approximately every 1 1/2 hours - anything - but I need to eat, otherwise I get nauseous.

And I would never mention that I have pregnancy acne (at the tender age of 39!!!!) just like I did with Maddy.

I won't mention anything about those things. I WILL mention that my damn knee is really hurting me, and now I know why!

For the past 5 years or so, my right knee has been giving me more and more trouble. It creaks badly walking up stairs. It hurts not even doing anything. So I went in to my good old orthopedic surgeon (from the ulna nerve transposition in October 2006) and he suggested an MRI, which is safe for pregnant women.

Thankfully I didn't freak, like I had previously.

What the MRI showed was that I have early arthritis (yippee), and some fluid in the knee. The worst part is that I have osteochondritis dissecans. I'm certainly glad I took that medical terminology class years ago.

Basically, I need to rest it, do some walking (even though it hurts) and get some cortisone shots in the knee (yippee - such a fan of needles - not) to help with the inflammation. It probably would be better if I lost weight, but that's not going to happen any time soon.

week #9

I feel gun shy when it comes to announcing my week's progress - but it is a big deal to me. It's funny that I don't mind doing it here, in this venue, or on Facebook, but I won't make a whole-world email announcement until we reach week #12.

There aren't any guarantees, but it'll be that much more further.

I'm feeling the same sort of effects of pregnancy as I did with Madeline, which I think is awesome. I have pregnancy acne - the big awful ones. I am nauseous and hungry at the same time. I can't fit into my regular pre-pregnancy pants any more, and I'm "busting" out of my brassieres. already. I think that's a really great sign indeed.

Going in for my now weekly ultrasound tomorrow.

no guarantees

I know that no matter what, there aren't any guarantees.

I know that even if we reach the magical week 12 with no complications that there won't be.

I know that last year's miscarriages didn't help with my risk-factor.

I know all these things.

However, I also know that I can't be in control of everything, despite wanting to. I had the surgery to remove the 5 fibroids for a reason - so that in the event of a success pregnancy, I'd be giving the embryo the best start I could.

Doesn't mean that I also know that I'm scared silly, and trying my best to take it one day at a time. I can't be in control of this except for eating as healthfully as I can when I feel like eating.

"What will be will be...."

Long time ... no see

I've been in hibernation.

I'm ready to blossom.

I'm ready for spring.

I'm ready to attempt pregnancy yet one-more-time.

More after this brief announcement...

We are pregnant!

I'm high risk due to 2 miscarriages last year and being so blessed old, so I get weekly ultrasounds for the time-being. Saw the little peanut this morning. So small yet - only 7 weeks along on Wednesday) but its heart is good and strong @ 130+ beats per minute.

I'm happy and cautiously optimistic.

:) Welcome SPRING.

What now?

If you are reading this, undoubtedly you've noticed I haven't spent a lot of time blogging. Looking back this past year, it's been a vehicle to vent my frustrations and anguish about the miscarriages. So now what the heck should I use it for?

I could talk about the weather in Green Bay, Wisconsin: (it's 9°F, feels like: 5°F today).

I could talk about Madeline: (she's 5 going on 13; still loves princess; she just told me she wanted to be an astronaut; she knows the order of the planets; she is really funny).

I could whine about how much my knee is bothering me: (I blame it on my father sharing his genetic disposition for bad knees).

I could exclaim my enjoyment and delight that I still have a great job: (libraries have tough to get a job in - I'm thankful for having a job that I still like).

eh ... I'll think about it.

2009

2009=Year of renewal.

I really am glad we went through everything we went through in 2008. I appreciate my health, my family and my sanity so much more. (ok, well, as much sanity as I might have anyway).

I'm looking forward to spending 6 days with Joe and Maddy at Walt Disney World from January 22 through the 27th. I'm looking forward to just meandering around the resort, watching the delight in a young child's eyes. I'm looking forward to simply being.

I'll be back with pictures and how we spent our time.

Hope you all are well!

oh my poor womb

My poor womb. I have had 3 D&C's in the past 8 months, two in the past fortnight. I had another one on Monday to remove more tissue and look at the uterine fibroids. Bless it, this sucks. I'm feeling marginally better, but I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

When I went in on Monday complaining of not feeling good - not sleeping - hadn't stopped bleeding, my doc suggested another D&C to make sure everything was ok. It turns out, I wasn't. I was in fricken labor for the past week. I was completely dilated and my uterus was trying to expel the fibroid and the GD extra tissue.

Everything went well, but I'm definitely not feeling completely great. ***sigh*** I've not been in to work yet. I'm still not able to go more than 8 hours without pain meds and I can't drive when taking them. I hope to be able to go into work tomorrow morning for at least long enough to see if there is any mail to open, questions to answer, etc.

Wish me luck. I suspect I will have another surgery in the near future to remove the fibroids. yippee. That's another fun. But right now, I just need to feel like ME!

i'm ok

I'll be ok. Right now, I'm in a haze. I'm at work, having been off since Wednesday afternoon. My co-workers have been so supportive.

Joe's been working too much, and has been sleeping poorly. I don't know whether he's told his work. I hope so.

Maddy's been talking about Uncle Steven dying again - her way of dealing with death. This morning, as we were getting ready for our day, I said I was still pretty sad. She said she was too. I told her that it's always ok to talk about feelings. We talked a little bit about the two babies who died and I told her that we really didn't know why they died. She looked at me and smiled and said "Isn't it great that I didn't die!" .

Wow. She hit it on the head. She is such a special kid. She is definitely someone who is helping me keep it together.

answers

The ultrasound ... same room as in April ... same result ... no heartbeat. The baby died within the last day or two. Going in tomorrow morning (7:45am) to get a test done on the baby's chromosomes (a chrorionic villus sampling or CVS) and I'm scheduled for a D&C at noon.

I totally fell apart walking into the ultrasound room initially, and again when we searched for the heartbeat. I am more calm than I could be. I've been through this before. It's not easier - it just wasn't out of the blue like last time.

It looks like I have some uterine fibroids, more than when I was pregnant with Maddy. That or something about the chromosome may be the answer as to why I miscarried twice in a year. I still don't want Maddy to be an only child. I just don't whether I can do this again, ever. The pain is just too great.

me me me, and us :)

Well, after my moaning session, we found out that we are indeed expecting. :) Very cautious - still so very early - but we are pregnant. Due July 2, 2009, at the height of summer. Wow.

Feeling ok and only nauseous once a day so far. Hormone levels are good. On extra progesterone to help little bean out. Maddy is excited. Joe is excited. We're all cautiously optimistic.

:) 32 more weeks to go.

me me me me me me me

It's been about 6 months since the miscarriage. In many ways, it's been the longest 6 months. I've been trying to grieve without dwelling. I've had colleagues and friends tiptoe around me as they experience their pregnancies and relatively happy births. I know it's not been easy to be around me.

My cycle had been pretty predictable and I had been able to pinpoint pretty accurately ovulation when we were trying. Not so anymore. Of course not.

I'm currently waiting impatiently to begin my cycle. For over 3 weeks now. I know I'm not pregnant. Even got a blood test to confirm. So my doc had me take progesterone to jumpstart the cycle. So far - nothing.

I think the frustrating part of all of this is now that I'm WANTING to get pregnant, it's difficult to keep it in perspective. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm battling that age-factor thing.

I know, I know - scores of women older than me have had babies. I don't care. Part of me wants to be pregnant before November 8th comes around - the previous due date. It's looming and I hate it .

I know everything will be ok. I DON'T believe everything happens for a reason, (please don't tell me that) but I know I'll be ok. Joe and I are ok. Maddy is great. I have a great job (1 year anniversary on the 1st of October!). I just don't want Maddy to be an only child.


ok... enough about me ... for now :)

Right Now ...

Instructions:

Take a picture of yourself right now.
Don’t change your clothes, don’t fix your hair…just take a picture.
Post that picture with NO editing.
Post these instructions with your picture.

Ok Jenica ... you started it ... see picture of me (with pink hair) looking at your page. :)

next?

life

Frankly, I'm surprised I'm not a bit more insane. Life has been hectic. Our summer is nearly over. Maddy will be going to 4-year kindergarten starting next TUESDAY, and we're tired. However, we ARE alive and fairly sane.

sick

I'm sick. It sucks. I'm trying to get over whatever crud I've developed, but it's wearing me out! grrrr...

phone log

Dad: "Hello?"
Me: "Hiya, Pop! Wanna feel older than you might already be feeling?"
Dad: "Uh oh, now what?"
Me: "I'm getting bifocals."

pause

Dad: "How old are you?"
snort

Yeah...it's like that. I'm 38 1/2, thank-you-very-much, and I'm getting bifocals. Yippeee.